


If Not Now, Then Never.

by TheCharmingSeal



Series: Never Forgive, Never Forget [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Apathetic Merlin, Bisexual Merlin, Canon Divergence, Canon Era, Gen, Magic Reveal, Merlin's Magic Revealed, WIP, hints of depression, slightly depressed Merlin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 23:58:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4725065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCharmingSeal/pseuds/TheCharmingSeal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Merlin woke up this morning, he didn't think the day would end like this.<br/>When Merlin woke up this morning, he thought it'd just be another day like the 100 before this one.<br/>When Merlin woke up this morning, he didn't have a clue.</p>
<p>This is the day Merlin stopped caring. Perhaps he never did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blink

**Author's Note:**

> Prequel to the first fic in this series, Monster. You don't have to read that to understand this.
> 
> ~THERE IS NO UPDATE SCHEDULE FOR THIS FIC~ ~THIS HAS BEEN A PSA~
> 
> I'm writing this in whatever spare moments I get so updates will be irregular at best. I don't know how many chapters there will be, I suspect this shall get away from me somewhat, but we'll see.  
> ~ UNBETAED AS ALWAYS ~

These days Merlin's day started by staring at the ceiling trying to find the will to rise. Well, that's a lie, these days Merlin's day started off with a single word.

"MERLIN!!!" 

The man in question sighed. It'd been 5 years now. 5 years to the day since Merlin took that first hesitant step into Camelot. Some days he wished he could go back in time and warn away his younger self, 'Stop.', he'd say, 'turn back, there's nothing for you here'. Most days he knows that it doesn't matter, it would always end up like this. Fated save a fat prat from certain death. Again. And again. And again some more. 

"MERLIN!!!"

He heaved another sigh. The voice was much closer this time. He had, at best, 5 minutes before he would have to get up and face the day. Merlin let his head fall to the side, eyes fixed on the door. 

"MERLIN IF YOU'RE STILL ASLEEP-!!!"

You'll what? Thought Merlin. Ban magic? Oppress my people? Slaughter hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent children? Too late for that, Merlin snorted, turning his head to face the ceiling once more.

"MERLIN!!"

The voice was outside his door now. If he concentrated hard enough, Merlin swore he could hear his blood pumping round his body. 

"MERLIN."

"Sire." He replied, twisting his neck round to look up at Arthur. 

"Do you have to work at being a gormless idiot Merlin or does it come naturally?"

"Sire?"

Arthur sighed. Getting words from Merlin was like pulling teeth from a rock these days. If it wasn't 'Sire' it was 'Your Majesty' or some other honorific. Gone were the days where the two could banter as easily as brothers, Arthur counted himself lucky if Merlin bothered to look him in the eyes.

"Never mind Merlin, just get up will you? At least try and look like you want to be here." And with that Arthur turned and left, muttering a hello to Gaius as he passed him in the doorway to the main chamber.

The fact that Gaius didn't even bother admonishing Merlin for being late for his duties just served to show how far their relationship had fallen. If Merlin was honest with himself, he didn't really mind. Just one less person he had to put on smile for. Not he smiled much anymore anyway. Taking one last look at his surroundings, he pulled himself up and threw on the first clothes he saw, sparing a second to murmur a quick freshening spell. After all it's harder to avoid attention when you smell like horse muck, he ought to know. Heading down the steps from his bedchamber Merlin threw a quick nod at Gaius, grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table and shuffled out the door.


	2. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgana has a few words with Arthur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay First things First. 
> 
> I AM SO DAMN SORRY FOR LEAVING IT THIS LONG. 
> 
> A bunch of personal shit came up and I've only recently got myself back in a place where I can write again. 
> 
> So to make up for my absence here is a slightly longer chapter. I can't promise they'll all be this long but I'll try
> 
> ~TCS

Marching away from Gaius' chambers Arthur was deep in thought. This had gone on for too long now. There was something wrong with Merlin and obviously waiting for him to talk about it wasn't working. It was time to take action. 

The problem with Merlin is that, by nature is a private person. Oh, he'll talk all day and all night until the crows come home if you let him. It's only when you're alone that you wonder if he actually said anything at all. 

Clearly this was going to have be handled delicately. As much as it pains him to say it, delicate isn't _really_ Arthur's area of expertise. But he couldn't just bring anyone in, Gwaine maybe? He was Merlin's best friend after all, or at least, Merlin was his. 

Decision made Arthur set off to find Gwaine and maybe, finally, put this whole Merlin thing to rest. 

Arthur had considered letting Gwaine approach Merlin by himself, but if Merlin was going to open up to Gwaine it meant that it was something that he didn't want Arthur to know, and if it was something that he didn't want Arthur to know, that meant that Arthur absolutely _had_ to know. 

So it was that shortly after he sent Gwaine off, that he found himself creeping through the castle towards his own chambers. 

Unfortunately for him, Arthur forgot that being the kings son, he was quite recognisable. So, not even 5 minutes later he crept round a corner he thought was empty only to come face to face with Morgana. 

 

"Oh hello Arthur fancy seeing you here." Morgana smirked. 

"Shut up Morgana and get out of my way." He growled. 

"Now, now, there's no need to be rude." She tsked, "My spies tell me you've be acting all suspicious, creeping about the halls and so forth. I just simply _had_ to come and see what all the fuss was about."

"What, yo-you've been spying on me?!" He spluttered unattractively. 

"Yes, Arthur dear, do keep up." She grabbed Arthur by the arm and started walking him away. 

"What are you doing? Where are we going? Unhand me!" Arthur raged. 

"Shh little Artie, we're just going for a walk to my rooms. Obviously whatever it is that's got you skulking round the castle like a pouty shadow is important. And I have been _ever_ so bored lately."

"I do not _pout_." Arthur pouted as he crossed the threshold of her room, "Anyway what makes you think I'll tell you anything anyway, you harpy."

"Because if you don't, I'll tell everyone about the time when you were seventeen and you got Father's signet ring stuck on your finger when you were walking around pretending to be king."

Arthur glared at her for a good three minutes before sighing and giving in. 

"Fine, you might be able to help anyway,"

"It's true I am smarter than you."

Arthur glared at her some more. 

"ANYWAY," Arthur continued, "Merlin's been acting strange the past few weeks, maybe even months."

"How so?" Morgan asked, much more serious now. 

"Well, he disappears a lot, nobody can ever find him when he does. He's moody all the time, never talks back anymore. Always calls me "sire" or "your highness" never prat. Even Gaius thinks something's off."

"Hmm now that you mention it, it's true I haven't seen Merlin for a while. Last I heard he was sick. I just figured the boy had died or something."

Arthur stared at her gobsmacked. 

"Oh don't look so shocked Arthur I'm only kidding. Frankly I thought maybe he'd finally gotten sick of you and left."

"Haha Morgana very funny. Just-"

"I wasn't joking Arthur. Honestly why that boy has stuck by you all these years when you treat him like dirt is beyond me."

"I don't treat him like-"

"Arthur you always make fun of the poor boy which means that everyone else makes fun of him too. You give him an unreasonably long list of tasks to do every single day. You don't give him any breaks or holiday. You never feed him or allow him to take meals. You constantly expect him to cover for you no matter how many floggings he receives-"

"Don't be so dramatic Morg, Merlin's never been flogged he would have told me. He talks every single hour of the day I doubt he would've missed that out of his daily drivel." 

"Oh really? Well the last time you decided to run off with princess "I have more cleavage than brains" for week long "picnic", Merlin had to make up an excuse for you. Only, after 5 years in service, that boy still can't lie worth a damn and Uther had him flogged, and sent to the dungeons for a week for daring to try and deceive his sovereign. Then you came home moaning about how your pants weren't soft enough your enormous bottom or whatever it was and put him in the stocks. Yet you still wonder why he doesn't tell you things?!" She practically shrieked the last part at him.

"Oh what and he tells them to you, does he?! How do you know all this anyway? Been stalking him have you? Sounds to me like someone's got a little crush!" He sneered at her, face twisted up in anger. 

"Gee how mature of you Arthur! You learn that your best friend has been routinely beaten down by you _and_ your father and instead of expressing concern or even guilt you turn on me instead?!" She growled.  
"What fine hands the future of this kingdom is in. Get the hell out of my room Arthur." Finger pointed at the door, posture rigid, eyes hard as ice, she stood firm. 

"My pleasure!" Arthur roared. Slamming the door so hard behind him that it bounced open again. 

"Is everything alright my lady?" Gwen appeared from the open doorway a moment later, having been walking down the corridor when Arthur stormed out of the room and almost bowled her over. 

"Everything is just fine Gwen." She calmly responded. "Would you mind fetching me some water for a bath?"

"Certainly, my lady." She replied, dropping gently in to a curtsy before shutting the door behind her. 

Morgana looked out of her window where the sun was just coming to its peak. Crossing to her dresser, she pulled a piece of parchment towards her, as well as a quill and some ink. Sitting down, she carefully began to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally planned on this chapter being about Merlin and Gwaine, but then Morgana snuck in and stole the show. 
> 
> Merlin and Gwaine feels in the next chapter, promise!
> 
> Tell me what you guys think! 
> 
> ~TCS


	3. Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine attempts to talk to Merlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so first things first, this chapter is short. I recognise this chapter is short. However there is a reason for that - I started writing this chapter yesterday and it's gotten away from me a bit. 
> 
> So to have things make more sense, and also so that you guys get an update sooner than later, I've decided to upload the first bit now.

After finally dragging himself to Arthur's rooms he was surprised to find the prince wasn't even there. Or at least, he would've been, if he'd cared any. 

These days the only time he sees his royal pratness is when he's being yelled at, or across the room at feasts. _'At least he doesn't make me wear the hat anymore'_. Merlin chuckled once to himself, before once again falling silent. 

Truth is Arthur just has more important things, important people, to deal with. ' _And why shouldn't he?_ ', the voice in his head whispered, ' _You are just a servant after all. You're not a knight like Gwaine or Elyan. You're not beautiful like Morgana or Charming like Gwen. You're nothing._

With a deep sigh Merlin flopped backwards onto Arthur's bed and, with a wave of his hand, set his magic to work tidying the prince's chambers. Without Arthur around and nobody interested in Merlin himself, the room should be unoccupied for a while. Shuffling further up the bed, Merlin settled in for a quiet nap. 

 

Gwaine felt awful, he was an awful friend. He'd noticed Merlin's silence, how could he not have? Noticed the distance between him and Arthur. Every attempt to talk to Merlin ended in the same thing; a fake smile, an over exclamatory "I'm fine!" and a swift exit. Truth be told, up until now, Gwaine didn't even know Merlin could move that fast. 

He could have tried harder, Gwaine frowned. He should have sat Merlin down and _forced_ him to tell what was up. 

Still at least he was doing something now, Gwaine thought to himself, better late than never and all that. 

Arriving at the door to Arthur's chambers, he spared a thought for knocking, ultimately deciding that he's never knocked a day in his life and he wasn't about to start now. 

Gwaine took a deep breath to fortify himself, before opening the door 

 

And immediately coming to a dead stop in the doorway. 

Blinking twice, shaking his head once and rubbing his eyes, Gwaine ascertained that what he was seeing was, in fact, _real_. 

Arthur's clean laundry was being folded in the corner, ready to be put into the wardrobe. The floor was being scrubbed to within an inch of its life, armour was being polished, chain mail was being fixed, boots were being cleaned and in the middle of it all, the eye of the storm, lay Merlin, fast asleep. 

Now there was a lot of things Gwaine could've done at this point. He could have run screaming from the room, could have sounded the alarm, could have cried out sorcery and drawn his sword and tried to kill the boy lying prone on the bed. 

The point is, Gwaine could have done a great many things, but he was not a coward, was not a pompous prince, nor was he a narrow minded bigot of a king. He was Gwaine, and he was, first and foremost, Merlin's friend. 

Edging slowly out of the room, he shut the door behind him and headed down to the kitchens to get him and his friend some breakfast. He was going to bring it back to Arthur's rooms, he was going to get his friend to eat, because Merlin was little more than skin and bones at this point, and Merlin was going to talk, Gwaine was going to listen and then, _together_ they were going to figure out what to do. Because clearly, _clearly_ Merlin couldn't carry on like this, Gwaine wouldn't let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter may take a while (but probs not) however, it def should be up by next week. 
> 
> Till then my pretties! (Cackles evilly)
> 
> P.S. leave me some love (or constructive criticism) in the comments below!
> 
> ~TCS


	4. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUP MEHEARTIES YO HO!
> 
> I'm in a good mood today no idea why. I'm dropping this off early as I'll be pretty busy these next couple days and if I stare at this any longer I'll go insane. 
> 
> Happy reading ;)

Merlin doesn't like a lot of things these days, food, chores, Arthur. But what he did like was sleep. It was the only time where he was at peace, or as close to peace as Merlin ever got. No one expects anything of you when you're sleeping, there's no one to yell or curse at you or be disappointed in you. No responsibilities, no laws, no rules to enchain your life. No threat of death or flogging or crockery being flung at your head. 

The point being, Merlin really liked sleeping. What he definitely didn't like was, being woken up by a piercing ray of light and the blurry image of someone who looked suspiciously like Gwaine holding something shiny behind is back. 

"Morning sunshine!" Gwaine whistled cheerfully, "Or should I say sleeping beauty?" He chuckled, straightened up after putting what turned out to be a silver platter on top of Arthur's table. 

"Gwaine?" Merlin sat up, rubbing his eyes, squinting at the figure at the end of the bed. 

"Duh, Merlin. Who else would it be? And here I thought Arthur was useless in the mornings," Gwaine grinned cheekily, swiping an apple from the table behind him, "turns out you're just as bad, eh!"

"Yeah that's me alright." Merlin slid off the end of the bed, making towards the door, "Useless Merlin."

Gwaine's smile dropped as he took in the way Merlin's entire posture screamed defeat and resignation. 

Moving swiftly, Gwaine supplanted himself between Merlin and the door. "Now hang on a minute there, mate. Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"Get out of the way Gwaine." Merlin mumbled without even bothering to look up, "I'm not in the mood today."

"And when will you be in the mood then, huh?" Gwaine shot out, "Cause the way I see it you're never in the mood for anything anymore! It's always yes sir and no sir and three bags full sir! You don't laugh, I can't even remember the last time you smiled at anything! Where are the practical jokes? And the back talk? Being inappropriate at all the right times and tripping over your own feet and-"

"Sorry I'm not around for you laugh at any more _Sir_ Gwaine-"

"You're missing the point!"

"Sorry I'm not around to ridicule. Sorry I'm not there to make a fool out of myself. Sorry I'm not available to be you're little scapegoat. _Sorry_ I'm not there while you practice throwing knives at my back! _Sorry_ I'm not around to drag you in and out of every pub in the five kingdoms! _Sorry_ I got _fed up_ of being the one you all look down on! Sorry that I thought I could be part of something! Sorry I got tired of saving _your_ lives _Every! Damn! Day!_ Sorry that I'm _not ok_ with being treated like your pet or your slave! _Sorry_ that I came to Camelot in the first place!! _Sorry_ that I'm _NOT SORRY!!_ "

For a while the only sound to be heard was Merlin's heavy breathing as he stared straight into Gwaine's eyes. 

"I just want my friend back." Gwaine whispered. 

Just then they were interrupted by guards arriving to bang on Arthur's door. 

"SIRE! SIRE! Are you alright in there Sire we heard shouting!" 

Merlin moves around Gwaine towards the door, pausing just before it. 

"We were never friends." He says, before he quickly leaves the room, ignoring the multitude of guards outside. Right now he just needs to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this went in a slightly different direction than planned. It was supposed to be a nice well meaning sit down. But alas, Merlin had other plans. These characters have a life of their own I swear. 
> 
> Till next time my lovelies
> 
> ~TCS


	5. !!!!!THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER!!!!!

This is just a hella quick note to say that I had to deal with a thing (involving friends who don't derserve the title of friends) so I'm a bit behind. That said...

NEXT CHAPTER BY WEDNESDAY!!

Stay tuned....

~TCS


End file.
